i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
