As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
