Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
