he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
