my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
