I'm really into asian looking animals
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Houston, we have a blender
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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