I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
