she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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