so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
