I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
