So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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