I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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