sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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