At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
