apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
