The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize