so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
