Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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