Dude my mom stole all your condoms
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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