can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
