I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
