you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
