Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You ate ashes out of my bong
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
