That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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