my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
