He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Randomize
