I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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