i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
