Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Randomize