just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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