Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
