remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
