I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
