if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
