Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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