Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
