You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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