Cold hands, warm shart.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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