i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize