I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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