I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
3pm strippers are depressing
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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