Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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