Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I still have a little drunk in my system
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Randomize
