Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
