now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
