OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
