I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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