I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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