you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
