My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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