Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
