I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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