dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
