I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
