Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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