This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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