I think I died a long time ago.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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