Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
