tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
